by Dr Monique Robinson
I spend a lot of time listening to parents and a lot of time analysing what they are thinking, how they are coping, how they are behaving and what they are doing - all things that have a direct role in their mental health and wellbeing and that of their kids.
Much of my work focuses on mums who are experiencing emotional difficulties after the birth of their child and without doubt one of the most common feelings they experience is guilt.
When it comes to living through the early days of being a parent, guilt is an emotion that almost every new mum has to reckon with.
The only problem is, in almost all cases, the guilty feelings expressed are completely unwarranted and undeserved.
With the guilt, comes increased stress and with increased stress comes increased problems. In one research study at The Kids we discovered that women who experience three or more episodes of stress while pregnant were more likely to have children who developed behaviourial problems later on. So cutting out the stress - by cutting back the guilt- can only be good for you.
Why then do so many mums, and dads, all too often succumb to guilt? Guilt about whether they are spending enough time with their child, guilt about how they are raising their child, guilt about whether they as parents are good enough?
You've heard the stories, you've probably even been in one. Take for example a mother who has been unable to breastfeed despite her very best efforts. Before finally being advised by her doctor to give up, this Mum may have met with multiple lactation consultants, read every possible pamphlet and book on breastfeeding, struggled through the pain of mastitis, and missed countless hours of sleep attempting to feed.
And what does she get at the end of all of this super-human effort? An overwhelming sense of guilt that her baby may not have the best start in life due to missing out on breastfeeding.
Then there's the story of my friend who was stressing out through guilt when her baby was 4 months old. While barely hanging in there through sleep deprivation and the demands of early parenthood, she was confronted by the scene of another mother discussing her use of baby flashcards on her also 4 month old baby (A is for Apple, B is for Boat…) and the importance of getting a head start on language and brain development right from infancy. My friend was left with visions of her baby failing high school all because she didn't show her flashcards early enough.
It affects fathers and partners too, who can feel guilty in early parenthood about issues such as time and financial demands. For many partners, the arrival of their first child comes at a time when they are still building their career and having to put long hours into work as the sole earner while the child is young. Our research found that the most common stress for those expecting a baby was financial stress, with almost 30% of all families reporting money problems.
But it's not just those going through tough times who feel guilt. One mum told me she felt enormous guilt when she didn't experience these difficulties and her child started meeting developmental milestones early. When her son began walking at 10 months old, while others still crawled, she felt a different kind of guilt - one where she was stressing out in case those around her thought she was a pushy parent who was showing off.
In all of these examples, mums and dads are doing the best they can and finding their own way through parenthood, which can be a radically different experience for each family. So if we are doing the best we can to be a good parent, why don't we just accept that despite the odd difficulty, we're being a good-enough parent?
Our society has a lot to do with it.
Many parents experience 'information overload', with advice coming at them from friends, family, television, magazines, books, the internet, and social media.
Such information can be really helpful, and can provide support and reassurance. But the quest for more information can also lead parents to search for answers elsewhere instead of trusting in their own instincts and relying on their unique understanding of their child.
The copious information available leads to a sense that the answer to any problem is out there somewhere, and it can make it hard for parents to just accept that every child is different and the hurdles that are faced from time to time are no one's fault.
Let's face it, it's unlikely that an inability to breastfeed or not starting flashcards at 4 months will make any discernable difference at all to child development if that child is raised in a loving home with parents who want the best for them.
Aiming to be the perfect parent or holding others up as the example of the perfect parent will only lead to disappointment.
It's far better to accept that you are doing the best you can, and to stop feeling guilty and start enjoying the precious time you have with your child.
Guilt serves no purpose other than to add to the burden that is already facing a new parent. Remove the guilt, remove the stress and remove the barriers to you trusting your instincts and being the best parent you can be on your terms.
Of course it is important that if you are feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope, that you ask for help. Our research once again has shown that social support is one of the best ways to prevent postnatal mood and anxiety problems that only add to your guilt and stress levels. This might be anything from simply talking to a friend to discussing your feelings with your GP, to seeking help from a psychologist who can provide support to help you through.
The solution may also be as simple as getting some extra help around the house, having a meal delivered from a friend or family member, or getting someone to look after your baby for a couple of hours while you go to the shops or get other tasks done.
And don't forget you can also find some really great support and understanding through your local playgroup where mums and dads of all levels of experience can share their own stories and tips for making this important journey a whole lot easier.
Not all of us are good at asking for and accepting help from others, but from time to time we all need to accept we're not invincible.
As a wise mother of four said to me recently - no one gives you a medal for toughing it out on your own.
For postnatal support contacts, see Beyondblue.